Winning Isn’t Everything:

Hard Lessons on Defending Faith with Grace

I was a freshman in college the first time I heard someone explain why belief in the resurrection of Jesus doesn’t mean committing intellectual suicide, and I was hooked. I wanted to know how Christianity could hold up to logical scrutiny, and I spent the next three years diving into apologetics on my own. After finishing my undergrad, I decided to take this pursuit even further by enrolling in seminary. One of my first classes? You guessed it! Apologetics—the study of defending or explaining the faith using reason, evidence, and careful argumentation.

I loved the class! The debates with classmates, interactions with friends outside of class, even the professor’s challenging feedback. We weren’t just learning ideas; we were practicing them. My first “real-life practice” happened that semester, in a nearby park with a man I’ll call Joe. I felt ready, and I launched into the conversation with carefully prepared arguments. But despite my enthusiasm, things didn’t go as planned.

To say it was a great conversation would be a lie. I was sure I was right, and Joe was equally convinced I was wrong. Unfortunately, our conversation only reflected those stances. Despite my carefully crafted points, I left the park frustrated, and worse, Joe left unchanged.

Looking back, I now see that Joe wasn’t the only person who left conversations with me frustrated in those early years. I wish I could point to another factor, but the hard truth was that I was the problem. In my eagerness to make a logical case, I was often more interested in winning the debate than genuinely reaching the heart. The truth about Jesus—the very message I was trying to communicate—was regularly lost in the struggle.

Since those days, I’ve learned some important lessons. I’ve realized that people are far more willing to talk about important matters when they feel heard and respected. I’ve also learned that “winning” isn’t the goal. Now, rather than debating for a win, I focus on discussing truth with humility and following the Holy Spirit’s leading. 1 Peter 3:15 captures this shift beautifully: “Always be prepared to answer everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” (emphasis mine)

How I missed Peter’s last sentence in that verse for so long is still a mystery.

Today, I pray regularly that the Holy Spirit will control my competitive tendencies and keep my heart and mind submitted to Him. My hope is that my words will not only make sense to others but will, more importantly, reflect Christ’s love and compassion for them and His desire to have a relationship with them. As for those I spoke with before this change of direction, I trust that God, in His mercy, will use something I said from His Word (which He promises will not return empty, Isa 55:11) to reach those I may have pushed away in the past.

For anyone on a similar journey, here are a few practices that have been transformative for me:

• Practice Active Listening: Truly listen to understand, not just to respond.
• Pray for Guidance: Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your words and control any tendencies that detract from the message.
• Reflect on Your Approach: Regularly assess whether your interactions prioritize someone’s need for Christ over your own desire to “win” arguments.

I pray that no one will ever be turned off from the Good News of the Gospel again because of my words or attitudes and that all I do will be for His glory and others’ good. That’s way more important than winning an argument!

How about you?

• Do you have a “Joe” story where God used a difficult conversation to grow you?
• Have you always wanted to make a logical defense of your beliefs but aren’t sure where to start? Comment below, and I’ll send you the titles of some great resources to help!